Two for the Road is a hangout for mystery writers Tammy Kaehler and Simon Wood to chat, reminisce, gossip, speculate and argue about all things motorsport.

Friday, November 30, 2012

Car Crusher

SIMON: Over Thanksgiving, I was on the road for a bit and naturally, it brought out my dark side and that gave me an idea for this week’s post. If you were a government overlord with the power to abolish any class of vehicle what would it be? Sports cars? Hatchbacks? SUVs? RVs? Hybrids? Electric cars? Sedans? Pickups? You can do it, like He-Man, you have the power, but you're going to have to give me a reason.

Personally, I would like to abolish Minivans. This was a close call with SUVs, but their 4WD abilities in rougher climbs ensured that they live to annoy me for another day, but not so when it comes to minivans. Now my distaste for minivans has nothing to do with elitism. I don’t like them because they make me nervous from a road user’s point of view. They're big, heavy, cumbersome, not particularly agile when loaded down and saddled with a high center of gravity. They're the automotive equivalent of a cannonball with the same destructive power. I would not want to be in one during a crash.

Okay, Tammy, you're the ogre in charge of the Department of Transport. Who are you dropping the hammer on?

TAMMY: It was OK for you to pass up SUVs, Simon, because I'm going to crush them. All of them, that is, except those that can be proven to be used off-road.

See, I don't mind if you're a rancher riding your fence line or actually driving your Jeep Cherokee out to the desert and then taking it on off-road runs across the wash (hi, dad!). But if you're a 5'2" soccer mom who only uses the vehicle's capacity for a half-day every month, and the rest of the time are unable to park wholly within a standard parking place? CRUSHED.

(I may be extra-sensitive because there's a female who's maybe 100-lbs soaking wet who parks a giant SUV in our parking structure every afternoon and can't manage to a) park straight in a spot or b) pull all the way forward. So her behemoth is an extra hazard when trying to exit the structure.)

So there's my verdict: you have to prove you need the utility part of that sports utility vehicle. I mean, otherwise, you should be driving a minivan, right, Simon?

What would the rest of you crush if you had the power?


  1. I would start with the highest single car accident rate, followed by the highest rollover rate. By coincidence, these may be the same, some sort of high center of gravity, low maneuverability vehicle with most of the safety features not installed... AKA SUV.

  2. Al: You're far too logical. We're looking for passionate hate here. :-)